love is an allowing

boundaries cannot be forced—only felt

boundaries annoy me. they are immensely important and make my life better in every way but i wish i did not have to be a separate self, sometimes. i look forward to the day we all meld together in a big cuddle puddle of singularity and return to Source.. alas, today i am human.

i write like laying bricks. have to get the i’s and me’s out of the way, first. maybe establishing boundaries is the same.. let’s lay the foundation.. hmm

all boundaries change depending on proximity and relation.. those upheld with a stranger are far different, less developed than those with a partner, duh.

it’s no one’s job but your own to determine and uphold your boundaries.

sharing [a space, a room, a conversation] with someone implies consent for certain closeness. with closeness, boundaries become in reach of crossing. intimacy is being pressed together.. our boundaries touch and sometimes dissolve.. we yearn for togetherness. this messiness is why having a firm sense of self is key to functional relationships.. two can come together in intimacy, then separate back into ones when the time comes—feel what has changed, feel what you are, now, in the wake of melding.

once you have chosen to share space/time with someone, you have made some silent psychic agreement to see them, witness them, welcome them. everyone has the right to take up the space they take up, to do what they want with it, to be what they are. this is why society has created certain rules of etiquette.. so that our shared spaces have natural boundaries.

you can feel your boundaries being breeched when someone starts yelling on the bus. but you did get on the bus, knowing that anyone else could get on behind you, and that sometimes people yell. you chose to be there. you can choose to get off at any stop, or you can ask nicely for a lowering of tone.. but you cannot force that person to be silent.¹

it is very easy, when asserting your boundaries, to find yourself attempting to control someone. when getting to know a human new-to-you, it is your job to observe them, experience how you feel around them, and determine whether or not their way of being operates within your boundaries.

love is an allowing.

if your boundaries are consistently crossed, it’s time to redefine the relationship you have with the person overstepping.

it is your choice which boundaries you communicate, and to whom.. some boundaries you allow to simply exist as an understanding with yourself. we communicate our boundaries to the people we love so that they might love and understand us better. this understanding is to be built over time.

this is why it can be tricky to decide on closeness with someone in haste. boundaries can be taken for granted, ignored, or piled on too thickly, too quickly. they can burst out as a defensive wall thrown-up, derailing the discussion.. they can become a command, an attempt to contort.

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many of us grow up without a clear idea of what a boundary is—our boundaries are unnamed and uncared for, consistently crossed and never acknowledged.

so, once we discover our autonomy and begin to structure our notion of separate self, it can be triggering to have our boundaries crossed.. these boundaries we’ve had to fight so hard for.. but the trauma-healing process necessitates being triggered.

in the same way that we need to clearly observe and acknowledge our triggered self in order to heal from trauma, our boundaries must be breached to show us where they lie. we need to practice patience when our boundaries are crossed if we wish to maintain balanced connection.

listen: mistakes are made in relationships. love is an allowing of imperfection. interrupting communication to hold someone “accountable” to your standards can be manipulative.

and we all influence each other constantly. it's natural and unavoidable. boundaries are hypothetical.. we all share the energy available.

when you feel challenged by someone’s expression of self, recognize that your reaction is within you. it is not something they are creating. if someone challenges you frequently, in ways that make you feel unsafe or otherwise burdened, maybe don’t hang out with that person. but telling them they are somehow doing something wrong.. manhandling the conversation into something you’re more comfortable with.. that is not relationship. that is control.

they are who they are, right or wrong. let them be.

don’t blame someone else for your own failure to create the distance you need.

a practice of boundaries, at its core, is a careful watch over others' influence on you and your own influencing of others.

we can stand on our tip-toes at any time to look down from clearer air, above all these transactions. though it’s helpful to exercise the muscles of your feet in this way, i find it far more comfortable to walk as intended, day-to-day.. existing exactly as tall as i was made to be.

i feel patience fundamental to comfort in relationship.. if you stand firmly on a self-lain foundation of patience and trust, someone crossing your boundaries is not so threatening. let them in. see what they do in your space. remove yourself if necessary.

there’s so much to say, but i’ll end it here, for now. thank you for letting me into your space, i love you.

1. some people do not use public transit for this reason. but sometimes a laugh-lined woman on the train will give you a flower, or some guy will have read the book you’re reading and recommend another.. there is risk and reward in all relation.